The Dangers of the Well-Wisher - The Doctor Weighs In | The Doctor ...

Beau Carter

My former stepmother (my father?s second wife after my mother died of a medical error) died recently of pancreatic cancer after living a completely healthy life for 89 years.

She took chemo only to extend the inevitable for an additional 3 months or so to make it to her 90th birthday on July 15. She did this, saying goodbye to her grandchildren from her bed in the family house in Rockport, Maine and then, her work done, died 5 days later.

I went to see her in March. We ate lobster rolls and I took her to dinner at the most expensive French restaurant in Camden, Maine. We talked about my father and sang songs. At that point the chemo didn?t bother her much, but I knew I had only one more chance to see her after I got home.

I scheduled the trip in mid-June and had all the plans made, but when I called her three days before I was to leave she said ?Oh I love hearing your voice. Please continue to call me.? She never said ?Don?t come, I don?t feel that well and I can?t entertain you? (and I probably don?t want you to see me like this) because she was swelling and had a nasty red splotch in her scalp. But in her positive way, that?s what she meant.

Now here?s the well-wisher part. I felt bad for a whole day because of course I hadn?t expected her to entertain me, I had just wanted to say goodbye. But after a bit I got over my own selfishness and realized that ?I was pouting as if the trip were about ME.

Good grief. It wasn?t her job to make me feel better for having gone to see her (as it is with so many well wishers). It was my job to give her space. I often told her she had only one job and that was to die with grace and to get whatever she needed in order to make that happen and to hell with anyone else?s needs. Which, eventually, included me.

But thank God we are able to have little epiphanies from time to time and enjoy moments of clarity.

Beau (Raymond) Carter is the Editor of Medical Home News and several other health care bulletins.

Tagged as: Death and dying, patient experience, Raymond Carter

Source: http://www.thedoctorweighsin.com/the-dangers-of-the-well-wisher/

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